The proposal story

I have had to tell this story a million times in the past week so I thought I would share it here as well.

I know that she didn’t want some big over the top event (so I stopped pursuing the Orlando Magic game big screen idea) and preferred something smaller and around family. So I decided that I was ready just after a great Christmas with both of our families and was going to pull the trigger just after midnight while we celebrated new years eve at her families house. It is a great date to propose since it was 1/1/11 which had significance to me for obvious reasons. I had already had the talk with her father and gotten his blessings and he was the only one that knew that I was going to pop the question that night. I get along great with her family and I knew that her mother would be as excited as she would be. Unfortunately, as the night drug on, her and her mother both fell asleep on the couches. Her father was cool and kept trying to keep them awake, but we were fighting a losing battle so I told him that I would figure something else out and we started driving home.

If you know me, you know that I always have a backup plan. ๐Ÿ˜‰

It was about 11:30 or so while we were driving home and one of my other ideas popped into mind so I decided to go with that plan. I drove very slowly, and kept her thinking that we were going home. I took a different route that took us by our church and when we got near it I just suggested that we stop by for a little bit since we were in the area. She thought it was sort of strange since the church was most certainly closed, but she knows that I can be weird like that sometimes and went with it. Unfortunately, even though I drove slowly to try to get the timing right, we still got there about 5 minutes until 12 and I wanted to do it right after midnight, so I had to stall. I decided to drive around the church (it is a big church) and just pretend like I was looking at the other building and areas just because “I have never looked around here before”. I stalled until about 1 minute before midnight and then pulled the car around to the front of the church and parked. I figured that would work out perfectly that right when got in front of the church (which was closed) I could do my thing. That’s when the next hurdle appeared…the security guard.

So here we are, at almost midnight, driving around a closed church, parking, and getting out and walking up to the front doors so of COURSE a security guard would find that suspicious and drive up! Being the social engineer that I am, i scrambled towards him quickly to intercept him still trying not to ruin my surprise as much as possible. I have this ring in my pocket, but the girlfriend right behind me, and I had to get past this security guard without giving away my secret. I just told him that we were had been out of town for the holidays and hadn’t gone to church and were only staying for a minute (all true). He thought it strange but said “Ok, I guess”.

Now it got tough. I should also mention that this church, and this bench, is where we first met and had our very first date which is why it was my original plan anyway. I only had a few seconds left before midnight and I had my whole speech in mind and was trying to start but she said that it was cold outside and she kept grabbing me telling me to keep her warm. I pushed her away and told her to wait a minute, but she kept wrapping herself in my arms for warmth until finally i grabbed her by the shoulders and said “I’m trying to tell you something.”. I told her that I brought her here because it was where we had our first date and where it all started and that I loved her very much and that as the new year started, I didn’t want to spend another year without her in my life. I got down on one knee, looked into her teared up eyes and asked her to marry me. Right at that exact moment not only did we have the figurative fireworks going off between us, but we literally had fireworks going off in the air because it was new years eve.

Oh yeah…she said “Yes!”

Sometime you just know when things are right. When the fireworks went off, and I slid that ring on her finger, my whole world felt right for the first time in my whole life.

1/1/11 – A great day for the Dawg

So yesterday was a pretty cool day for geeks worldwide since it was January 1, 2011 which is almost a perfect default date. 1/1/11 (1111) is pretty interesting in and of itself. It only happens once in a millennium (at least in this format) so being the geek that I am, I had to seize the day and make a big change in my life. A little while ago, I made a post about how I have never proposed to anyone before (despite what one delusional person thinks). Well, that is no longer the case. Yesterday, on 1/1/2011 right after midnight, I proposed to my girlfriend.

She said yes!

She doesn’t really get the significance of the date so much, but she knows that it is important to me and is happy that I am happy (having someone care whether or not I am happy is a foreign concept to me). She also agreed to try to have the wedding on the ULTIMATE default day which will be this November 11. That right, we are going to get married on 11/11/2011 unless something stops us (Veterans day might close some offices down).

I did not plan for this to work out this way, but it seems fitting that I get married on 11/11/11. Not only does it have the hacker significance, but truthfully it is pretty HUGE when you think of the scope of that possible date. We are in the middle of a sequence of dates (starting in 2001) where we can have these dates lineup up once per year. For example, we had 01/01/01 in 2001 and then 02/02/02 in 2002 and so on. Next year will be the last year of this cycle at 12/12/12. But this year is the magical one for hackers and for me personally. It will not happen again for an entire millennium on 11/11/3011. Yes, you can argue that it sort of happens on 11/11/2111 (or any 100 year cycle from there) but that is an odd number of “1”s and just isn’t the same. Besides, I will be long dead by then. This perfect alignment of dates has only happen 2 times in all of history. 11/11/0011 was the true default date and then again on 11/11/1011. There was also a magical 11/11/1111 which will never happen again as well.

Sometimes things just happen the way that they are supposed to. This is the kind of story that not many people can claim and hopefully a great story for our children (no, not yet). Call it fate, call it faith, call it luck. I don’t care what it is, but it feels right and I am as happy as I have ever been in my life. I love my fiancee (it will be tough to get used to that word) very much and I am glad I waited for her to appear in my life.

Happy new year everyone! I hope yours goes as well as mine!

Oh yeah and every…and I mean EVERYTHING…including my wedding day…is always on default!

I have never asked anyone to marry me…

If you see, hear or read anything else, it isn’t true. I bought a ring. That is true. I mentioned marriage as an option to discuss (along with me moving to another country and continuing a long-distance relationship). That is true. I never proposed or offered marriage to anyone. It would have been the worst mistake that I ever made. Luckily, I did not make that mistake. Anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional. I have avoided discussing the details out of respect for privacy, but I am certainly not going to let people spread lies about me either. I will still keep my personal life private, but if someone else makes it public, then I will respond with the truth.

That “never proposed” thing might change next year if things keep going well with my current girlfriend. ;)

That is all.

Trust after bad relationships

After a bad relationship (The worst in my entire history, however short of a list that may be) I have recently been back in the dating world, such as it is. It is very difficult finding someone out there who can put up with all that goes along with being me. I have very high standards for people and I am not willing to settle for just anyone yet that being said, I admit that I am certainly not the greatest catch out there.

That being said, I have been finding it difficult to trust after being used and mistreated in a previous relationship. It is a fine line between holding up standards in what I expect in a girlfriend and how much I hold myself back. This past abuse has turned me a bit jaded. I want to trust. I want to be trusted. I am not sure if I know how to do that.

I am also a hacker, which means I am distrustful by nature. I question everything. So when someone says something to me, I always take it with a grain of salt. That makes it difficult to trust it when someone pays me a compliment, or does extend themself to me. Everyone that I have ever trusted has eventually let me down (except for my mother who is the only person in all of existence that I trust explicitly).

Luckily, one thing that I do have that helps is a Southern upbringing. I grew up in a world where people trust each other in general. It is very easy for me to trust people for small things. I loan friends money all the time. I take risks to help people…even strangers. I give my time, my knowledge, my advice, and anything that I can. These are easy for me because I want to help people an I like helping people and I like it when people trust me because it means that I can probably trust them. Because of that belief system and way of life, I always give everyone a chance when I first meet them. That comes very easy to me. But that is not the trust that I am talking about here. That is a different type of trust. I always give people people a chance to earn my trust at those types of things. When it comes to my heart and my soul…that is a lot harder and that is the root of this whole conundrum.

I still believe that you have to be willing to trust and you have to have someone who is willing to trust you as well. This is very difficult for me these days and I have to keep reminding myself to trust people. If you don’t give people a chance to come into your life…they never will. This puts me in a delicate balancing act…

I have to somehow try to balance these two seemingly incompatible worlds: The world of hurt…and the world of hope.

I have been talking to a very nice young lady recently and she has actually been pretty awesome. Most that I have talked to have been mental, boring, or disinterested in me. Even though we have only gone out a couple of times, I think this one is different. We laugh and cuss and make the same silly jokes. We like to torture each other with mixed messages. We both have similar pasts. Last night, I spent the entire night until 5 AM texting and talking with her on the phone. I haven’t actually gotten along with anyone like this in a while and it is a scary thing to me. Especially since this is exactly how that last abusive relationship started. I don’t want to trust too much and potentially be hurt again but I also don’t want to miss out on a great woman because I was unable to open myself up and trust again. I am putting my heart on the line again and hoping that it is the right thing to do. I hope I am doing the right thing.

This shit is HARD!!!! I FAIL at dating.

There has to be one other person out there who I can trust isn’t there?

11/22/2015 – UPDATE: This woman eventually went on to become MrsDawg. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Holiday break

I am finally getting around to posting about my holiday break and the end of my catastrophic 2009. Fittingly, 2009 started in the emergency room and it ended in the emergency room. I guess that is appropriate. Regardless of my 2009 health events both my family and I are perfectly healthy and looking forward to a good 2010.

One of the things I was most excited about was finally getting to see my new 4 month old niece for the first time. This is my sisters first child and while I may be a bit biased, she is a beautiful baby girl and you can’t help but smile looking at her. Here she is wondering who is this wolf/dawg creature that is kissing her. It’s the beard…chicks dig the beard.

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Here we both are chilling on the couch both with our respective headgear.

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I also didn’t waste any time getting her starting on her hacking career by teaching her the basics of phone phreaking.

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Both pictures were taken before the haircut so these were the last photos of a creature that might just belong on an episode of MonsterQuest. Due to the aforementioned emergency room visit, it put me behind on a lot of things including the haircut and the fund raiser (which I will wrap up this week, I promise). I *did* get the hair buzzed after I got back home and I did get it filmed to be released in a future episode of HackTV:PWNED. I also have a few photos that I took with the cameraphone that I will post in the Financiers section of the forum.

I went to visit my grandmother, whom I have spoken of before, but they put them to sleep in the nursing home very early after supper (it was only 5:30 PM) so she was already in bed when I arrived and I wasn’t able to spend much time with her this trip which was disappointing (and entirely my fault for not staying an extra few days to see more of her). I regret not making more time for her.

In addition to spending time with my real family, I spent time with my hacking family as well. I got together with long time friends logosx, zer0db, and meaflux. We hung out and caught up on real life drama (thats what friends do) and talked tech and hax (thats what hackers do) and I missed hanging out with them every month at the BR561 meeting. Luckily I stay in touch with them all and pledge to stay even closer to them in 2010.

My rebirth is complete and I am ready for a fresh start on life. I will be posting some big news about my future sometime within the next month so stay tuned for a new direction not only for me personally, but also for the entire binrev family of sites.

I think I officially lost my man club card today

Yeah, so I guess I fail at being a normal red blooded American male. This chick that I was chatting up on one of those dating sites who lives like 5 minutes away from me pretty much offered a FWB relationship (I only recently learned that acronym myself so I provided a link to it for others who are as clueless as I am) and I said no.

I guess most people would consider that a perfect relationship. A good looking girl who wants sex with no strings attached and she is even conveniently located near where I live? What the hell is wrong with me? I wanted to. I thought about it, I will be honest. But I just am not looking for a “hook-up” at this point in my life. I am looking for “the one”. I tried to convince myself that I can have both…I mean, who doesn’t want to put a different game on “free play” while they wait to buy the game that they really want?

And if anyone got that last reference (you may think you did, but you probably didn’t unless you are over the age of 30), then you really are a geek.

I hereby turn in my man card.

I am not a bad person

I will warn you up front that this is a very personal post and I am using this blog and will continue to do so for some sort of therapy of my own. I have found that typing things up helps get them off of my chest and helps me come to terms with things. I know, I know…take it to livejournal…but fuck that. This is my life and my blog. Yes, I am a hacker and all that, but I keep reminding everyone that I am also a human being. this is the blog of a hacker and a human being at the same time. If that makes it less interesting, so be it.

***

So I just got back from vacation a few days ago. The first good one that I have had since the breakup and actually the first good one since we first started going out. This time I took a trip with my mother whom I have only seen once all year (she lives several hours away).

Ever since “it” happened, my house and life was left in shambles. That is what abandonment does to people. My house was a wreck. It was dirty, furniture was all in places where I didn’t like it because I let her do what she wanted. My mom came up a few days before our trip and helped me clean and we rearranged my whole house. It feels like mine again now.

While on vacation, it was the first time that I had time to tell my own mother the whole story of what happened. I cannot…scratch that… will not tell that story here because no matter how cold and callous she treated me and what horrible things she said about me, I will not drop docs and will still respect her privacy. I am not going to change who I am just because someone else fell from grace. I am better than that. But I will bring one thing up publicly that I have been stressing about and talking to friends about for the past few months. I was called some bad things and felt like I was being turned into a bad person and I think that it is fair that I talk about that because this is my personal blog and I find it therapeutic to get it off of my chest.

I had already heard from friends on the subject of what/how it happened and they tell me that I did not do anything wrong, but friends sometimes tell you what they think you want to hear and while my friends are usually pretty honest, I still had questions about myself. I was explaining to mom the details that she hadn’t heard before and my Mom will tell me the truth no matter what, including telling me if it was my fault. Mothers are great that way.

After I got dumped, I was called a liar, a thief, “uncompassionate” and the worst word of all for me…”evil”. Now here is the thing. I didn’t understand why these words were coming out. I didn’t do anything. I was the one who was just left behind with nothing but a phone call (and a 400 hundred dollar international roaming bill..thats right, it cost me 400 bucks to get dumped) so how did that make me “evil”? I try to grow as a person. If someone says something to me, I listen to it. I take it to heart and I have always believed that anything that someone says to you has some bit of truth to it or they wouldn’t have said it. When someone says such hurtful things like that to you, especially someone that you love, it really really really hurts and makes you question yourself. Maybe I am a bad person? Maybe I am evil? Maybe I am uncompassionate? Then I realized that I am not the one who abandoned someone without even an excuse and then stopped communicating with them completely other than to call them a thief.

My mother made me realize that it was not anything that I did wrong. I am not a bad person. I am not a thief. I am not uncompassionate and I am certainly not evil. It made me see that there was no validity to these attacks. All I did was love someone and give them everything that I had. If that wasn’t enough (I knew early on in the relationship that I was not good enough for her) then so be it, but the petty name calling and childish accusations are beneath me. She also made me realize that I am not usually even friends with people who are like that. I would not even treat a dog the way that she treated me (no “StankDawg” pun intended). I was in love with someone who is capable of being so cold-hearted and suddenly I realize what a mistake I made. My friends told me not to even pursue this relationship due to the weird way that it began (I should have listened to you droops and Enigma, you were right) but I am actually a compassionate guy and thought that people deserve chances. I realize now that it was a mistake. I fell in love with someone that was great, but ended up getting dumped by someone that I don’t even respect as a person. When you wait your whole life for that “good person” that you think is different and better than the rest, you realize that they are just as bad as the girls in the clubs. They all treat me like shit. I think the “good girl” is as big of a myth as unicorns. They just don’t exist. women are cold-hearted and I fell for the good girl routine thinking she was different and wouldn’t treat me poorly. I thought she was better than that. I was wrong.

So don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I am without fault. I make mistakes..lots of them. But in this case, I did not deserve to be treated the way that I was treated. I thank my friends and ultimately my mother for helping me to see that. My mother is a pretty strong, independent, wise woman even though she was also degraded as “just a housewife” as though that were all there was to her (and assuming that is what she has done her entire life which is not true)as though that were something to be ashamed of. Being a good mother is the greatest job that any woman could have and my mother has reason to be proud because she did a great job. Insulting me is one thing, but insulting my mother is unacceptable and something that only a certain caliber of person could do and I see that now. At least my mother is strong enough to take care of herself and raise 3 kids and not be a burden on society by being a leech on the system like many people that I know. I love my mother.

So what it comes down to is that I am happy with who I am. If she wasn’t happy with me, then God bless her, but I think the truth is that she is not happy with herself. Let her find that Superman that she needs. But I am not any of the terrible things that she called me. I am happy with who I am, even with my faults. I am the guy who loaned his friends money to buy their first house. I am the guy who co-signed for his friends to adopt their first child. I am the guy who spends his own time and money to run this site for the past 10+ years. I am the guy who mentors young people. I am the guy who is willing to raise money for charity by shaving his head. I the guy who occasionally makes mistake and cusses far too much but all-in-all tries to make the world a better place.

I am StankDawg.

I am David Blake.

I am a good person.

I am happy with who I am.

I got my library card!

Well, this post makes it official. I always hated blogs because people post the stupidest most inane shit that no one could care about and here I am posting about getting my library card.

I have hit a new low.

But fuck that libraries fucking ROCK! I have had a library card almost everywhere that I ever lived! For some reason, since I moved to Orlando, I just didn’t get around to getting one. I thought about it and realized that these days, whenever I need a book, I just buy it. Fuck that…I already pay taxes and those taxes fund the library so why wouldn’t I take advantage of it?

I always loved the library, even as a kid, but it was when I graduated high school and started college that I really started to live in the library. I mean that almost literally. When I was just out of high school and starting college, I spent a lot of time in the library on campus. It was awesome because they pretty much knew that it was just for students on campus and that students were famous for falling asleep in the library so there were several comfortable couches and chairs all over. I found a nice quiet corner in a remote part of the top floor and took a nice stack of books and just went up there to a nice little couch and read until I fell asleep. It was a great way to kill time between classes and catch a few winks. I had my handy-dandy datalink watch (model 150)to wake me up in time for class, so I was straight. I could have lived there (cafeteria was nearby).

But that library was fairly small and mostly contained textbooks. I had read most of the computer related ones that I was interested in and ran out of things to read. Luckily, the public library was only 4 or 5 blocks away. I would walk down to the local library, which was HUGE in comparison, and they had magazines and public computers to use, and just tons of stuff to stay interested. I would go to classes all day and then go to the library until well after dark.

Eventually, I got used to being a regular at that library and started exploring other parts of downtown Louisville KY. I found that if you wear a Doctors lab coat (which I conveniently had) then you were allowed to freely roam throughout many of the numerous hospitals that were in downtown Louisville. Now, I didn’t do anything crazy or dangerous. I just wanted to do some exploring. Cafeterias in hospitals have the best food ever! then, I stumbled upon a University of Louisville medical Library inside of their practicing hospital downtown. Man, there was all kinds of crazy shit in there! Lot so of medical journals and a huge number of medical reference books. This was not really my cup of tea, but it was pretty awesome to know that it existed for the medical students and I did, on occasion, look up a few things that I was curious about. I became an expert on female genitalia, if I do say so myself.

Unfortunately, that is when the real world set in for me. I was maybe 19 or 20 or so and my family was not rich. It came to a point where I had to get a couple of extra jobs to be able to pay for my college tuition and books. This pretty much took all of my free time (and most of my sleeping time). I began working 5 jobs and taking a double load of classes and my love affair with the library came to an abrupt end. Looking back, maybe I should have apologized to the library for abandoning it, but I digress.

How was that for too much information? So yeah, this library is nowhere near as exciting, but I am hopeful that it will re-spark my interest in reading again. I haven’t read any fiction or read for any entertainment purposes for along time. I am hoping to find more time to do this instead of just reading technical manuals. So yeah, this was a blog post about me getting my library card…but hopefully I put a little “Stank” on the story so that it is not as lame as it sounds.

If I ever post about what I have for breakfast…kill me.

“So Long and thanks for all the fish!”

First of all, I don’t owe anyone an explanation individually. But since there are a few people out there who wonder why I am pulling out of the public scene, I thought I would try to explain my reasons in the hopes that maybe a few people would understand. I do not have a problem sharing these reasons, but if you intend to attack me for them, you should stop reading now. I don’t want to hear it.

Basically, I unplugged for 2 general reasons. Firstly, I pulled out for personal reasons. Secondly, I pulled out because hacking wasn’t fun anymore. For those of you who are genuinely interested, I will gladly explain.

As far as personal things go, you have to understand that the word personal infers that I am, in fact, a “person”. Somehow people think that hackers are all a bunch of punk kids who have no real life problems and run around without a care in the world. Hackers are people. I am a hacker, but I still love my country. I still love my family. I believe in God. I am not ashamed to admit any of these things, but somehow people lose sight of the fact that we are all real people with real lives. We have real hopes and real dreams. We face real triumphs and real tragedies. We find real love and face real heartbreak. Life changing events happen and hacking takes a backseat to real life. If you have ever heard my radio show, you would know that I have said this many times. I guess now you all know that I meant it. Never let the important things in your life take a backseat to anything.

In my real life, I have had some pretty big events happen lately. I have kept them private while continuing to work on numerous projects to help keep my mind off of things. My 82 year old grandmother recently moved down here to South Florida. She is the only grandparent that I have left and I love her dearly. I have been spending as much time as I could with her lately. For the most part, she is healthy for an 82 year old woman, and she is blessed to be well enough to enjoy life and live independently. Spending quality time with her is my number one priority above all else on this planet. I have been able to balance my time with her and all of the other things in my life fairly well until last month. I had another life changing event that altered my path. I was offered a job that requires me to move out of South Florida and I accepted it. It is a great opportunity for me doing something I love (programming) and using my education and my 15+ years of experience in the computer industry. It was an offer that I could not refuse. This is a very good thing and I am very happy with these changes in my life and my grandmother is happy for me as well.

The reality that I am left with, however, is that I will be physically packing my entire life and moving within a month or so. In that time period, I must sell my house and buy a new house. This means packing up everything I own and repairing my old house to sell it, which is what I have been doing since the beginning of July. As if that weren’t enough, I am determined to start this new job on the right foot and really attack it with every fiber of my being. Some of you out there know how hard I work and how I give 337% on everything I do, whether it is writing “show novels” for BRR, researching material for an article, or editing HackTV. I take pride in everything I do. I was always taught that anything worth doing, is worth doing right. I want to do my very best at this new job and after my grandmother, I intend to focus the rest of my concentration on this new job.

All of these events just made me step back and realize that the balance had shifted temporarily. I could no longer juggle hacking and life. I needed to borrow from my “hacking time” to pay my “real life time” to help counter-balance the needs that I now faced. I started making plans to slowly pull out a few months ago as these changes became imminent. I made sure that the radio show would be taken care of months ago (around episode 80 to put it in perspective) and I started asking the guys in DDP to pick up some of the slack for me and carry me for a while. These guys are all so great, that not one…not a single one of them…hesitated to rescue me. I probably don’t tell them enough how much I appreciate them. They are not only friends, but they are like brothers to me. I was willing to completely leave the hacking scene to concentrate on real life, but they made it possible for me to stick around…and want to stick around. This leads me to the other reason I unplugged…

The other reason is that no matter how hard I tried to keep it fun, hacking ceased being fun to me. Certainly, the real life things probably weighed into that, but it was more than that. Hacking was slowly losing its fun day by day over the past year or so anyway. There are a lot of great people in this community. There is no doubt of that. I have met several of them at different conferences. I have gotten heartwarming email from them that helped my regain some of my love of hacking. I have seen and heard a lot of great comments from people and I appreciate them all. I sincerely do. But I also got a lot of negative mail and read lots of negative comments from people as well. And they seemed to far outway the positive comments. I see the blog posts of people attacking me and insulting me. I hear the comments people make on conferences. I see the insulting messages people post in forums ( even in my *OWN DAMN FORUMS*) or put in their videos. What did I do to deserve this? I thought we were all on the same team?

Now it is easy for people to say “just ignore people like that”. And actually, I am very, VERY good at ignoring people like that. I simply do not have time in my life for negative people in general. I do my very best to help out anyone who asks. But slowly, over time, they start to weigh on you. There are people out there who need help. They don’t understand what hacking is. They just don’t get it. But that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be helped. They may just need guidance. I have met people who were complete jerks when I first met them. They didn’t know that they were being jerks because no one ever told them that they were doing the wrong things. I like to teach people the right things. But sometimes, you can’t help those who don’t want to be helped. Maybe I come across too strong. I guess that is my weakness, that I speak my mind. May that makes me arrogant, I don’t know. Anyone who really knows me, knows that they can ask me for anything and they know I will do as much as humanly possibly to help them out. All I can do is the best that I can. Some days, that just isn’t enough for some people.

Then there are other little things that make me feel bad. I get messages from people who are angry with me that I didn’t answer their email. They don’t understand that I get literally dozens of emails every day and I simply cannot answer them all. I wish I could, but I simply can’t. Logistically, I started to feel that I was stretching myself to thin. When you are the type of person who wants to help EVERYBODY and you don’t have time to GET TO everybody, it gets frustrating. And I do not have any “real life time” to borrow from anymore to do that. This is slightly frustrating, but since there is simply nothing that I can do about it (I can’t alter the flow of time…yet), I have to suck it up and move on with life the best that I can.

The proverbial straw that broke the camels back, was really nothing big or overly frustrating so much as simply bad timing. I was trying my very best to do everything that I could to keep contributing to this community to the best of my ability and to keep putting out content and balance all of the things that I have been talking about and suddenly, I hit the wall. I had enough. Had I seen another random person making a bad comment, I probably could have ignored it. Had I seen yet another blog of someone talking about how much one of my projects or articles sucked, I would have brushed it off. If I had seen another ignorant “journalist” using me to sell his fear-laden articles, I would have laughed it off. Instead, what I saw was someone who I thought was a friend publicly humiliate me at the precise moment when I needed support. When I was at the end of my rope, no one was there to give me a boost. Instead, they kicked me right off.

Now, it is irrelevant to single anyone out, particularly because they probably didn’t mean it to come across the way that it did. I understand that, and I don’t blame them. But what it did was open my eyes. I realized the hard truth that while there are some great people out there, there are others that simply don’t care about you one way or the other. It does not matter how much you give to them, they are never satisfied. They cannot enjoy anything without criticizing it. I don’t know what personality trait this is, or if it is more or less prevalent in the hacker community, but I don’t like it. I suddenly opened my eyes to the fact that every single thing I do is scrutinized. Here I thought that I was educating people with a radio show and having fun. I was being made fun of. I thought that I was entertaining people with a hacking television show. I was being insulted. I thought that I was providing useful services and projects that people inside (and outside) of the community could enjoy. They were simply being attacked. The thing that I didn’t understand, and the thing that bothered me most, was that while all of these people were bitching and complaining about me, not a single person stood up and defended me. Not a SINGLE ONE. No posts of support. No posts defending false allegations. Nothing but silent acceptance.

This is not what the hacking spirit is all about and I don’t want to be a part of it right now. It is a terrible feeling to suddenly realize that nobody cares enough to have your back.

I will never understand why some people seem to think that constantly complaining and being negative about everything can ever generate anything positive. All that you do is chase people away. New people need advice and information. Don’t insult them, help them! Returning people are looking for another chance. Reach out to them, do not reinforce the negative image that caused them to leave in the first place. And the people that have managed to stay around for any length of time…just support them. You don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have to like them. But you will respect them. I do not need my ego stroked, nor do I need to hear a “thank you”. I just don’t think that I deserve the personal attacks, scrutiny and lack of common courtesy that I have been given.

So I do thank the people who have emailed me in recent weeks. I do appreciate that some people cared enough about my well being to email me and say a simple “thanks” or to offer their help and sympathy for my well being. I am honestly touched. You leave me with a great joy to know that there are some people in this community who are genuine and good-hearted people. My fellow hackers…my fellow human beings. If I do come back, after some hiatus, it is because of people like you. I cannot list everyone, but you know who you are. I do have to single out my fellow DDP members (past, present, and future) for all of their support. I am proud of what they have accomplished..what we have accomplished. Thanks for keeping hacking fun. Thanks to Acidus, Decius, Elonka, rockit, droops, GIJoe, Dr^Zigman, LogosX, PixelFiend, xlogicx, austin, and Zearle. All of whom were always positive and supportive people to whom I give much deserved respect. And even with all of this, I still have not forgotten about decoder who is going through some pretty rough real life stuff as well. I am still thinking of you my friend. Trust me when I say that *I* have got *your* back.

I am still around, just no longer in the public eye. I have to stick with those people who I trust to be good people and stay away from the critics and the community that simply doesn’t want me. I don’t have time to be hated. I will continue to write. I will continue to keep making sites and starting projects and programming. The sites/forum/shows/projects/etc… will stick around as long as I can afford them. The DDP will still exist and grow. I will never stop hacking because I love it. If anything, I am able to dedicate more time to it because of this. I have a lot of great friends in this community. They are friends that hopefully will last my entire lifetime. I will never stop hacking. It is a part of me. It is what makes up who I am.

I am StankDawg.

I am a hacker.