Hackers for charity… but where are the hackers?

I just saw a post from my good friend Johnny Long about why he won’t make it to defcon this year. Johnny is one of the greatest human beings that I know inside or outside of the hacking community. He said the same thing that I have been feeling for years and has the same frustrations. I know EXACTLY how he feels. He started a wonderful project with hacker for charity, but as so often happens, you only have a small number of people on whom you can rely. It ends up being a lot of work and if no ones comes on board and steps up to assist, then it becomes a one man show. Eventually, that one man hits a wall.

I was very fortunate to have a lot of great friends in hacking that helped get binrev and all of our assorted projects going. Sadly, most of the projects have fallen to the wayside or have been abandoned completely as real life pulled people towards other priorities. Most of us still hack. I know that ntheory and I are working on some things right now. dual pops his head up every once in a while with something kool. I talk to decoder all the time still. But we are only a few people that are doing things while everyone else consumes. I could segue here into a rant on consumerism, but it is ironic that hackers, a bunch of seemingly anti-consumers, are such mindless consumers of information without actually creating any new content of their own.

Take a note from Hacker Public Radio. Those guys and girls are doing it right. Please support them. Support hackers for charity. Support can mean anything from finances, to time, to knowledge, or just mentoring someone in these very forums. Find a way to support ANY/ALL hackers. If not, we will regress as a community instead of growing as a family. We are all family…aren’t we?

Here we go again

Possible hosting changes in the future. What a fucking mess. I retired to get away from this shit!

I am scrambling to find hosting solutions again. I am 95% sure that I can find something but there is a small chance that this is the final nail in the coffin of binrev. BinRev is holding on to the edge of the cliff by its last fingers here people. None of you people help out. No one contributes. Its all up to me to hold it together and I don’t care anymore if you all don’t care. I treat it like an archive now more than anything.

SHOW ME THAT YOU CARE!!! How?

lurk moar and Post moar!
volunteer to help moderate the site(s).
record episodes of HPR.
Use the blogs and galleries that we provide.
link to us from your sites.
recruit others to come and join binrev.
create new project.
do research and write articles.

Just fucking HACK!!!! something! anything!

I will go through the work of moving hosts (I don’t need hosting offers, I have that in-progress) but unless someone starts stepping up, we are going down for the last gasp. I served my time. 12 years of my life to this family of sites trying to make a difference in the hacking world and herd cats into cooperating and working together. It was a short-term success with great people like dual parallel, bland, decoder, enigma, droops, nick84, so many others and then it just fell off. It is a long-term failure. Where is the next generation to replace us old farts? I know you are smarter than me. Show us! I will finance it all as long as I can and as long and I see people caring. If you stop caring, so will I.

You provide the content now. My shift is over. I clocked out.

I have never asked anyone to marry me…

If you see, hear or read anything else, it isn’t true. I bought a ring. That is true. I mentioned marriage as an option to discuss (along with me moving to another country and continuing a long-distance relationship). That is true. I never proposed or offered marriage to anyone. It would have been the worst mistake that I ever made. Luckily, I did not make that mistake. Anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional. I have avoided discussing the details out of respect for privacy, but I am certainly not going to let people spread lies about me either. I will still keep my personal life private, but if someone else makes it public, then I will respond with the truth.

That “never proposed” thing might change next year if things keep going well with my current girlfriend. ;)

That is all.

Trust after bad relationships

After a bad relationship (The worst in my entire history, however short of a list that may be) I have recently been back in the dating world, such as it is. It is very difficult finding someone out there who can put up with all that goes along with being me. I have very high standards for people and I am not willing to settle for just anyone yet that being said, I admit that I am certainly not the greatest catch out there.

That being said, I have been finding it difficult to trust after being used and mistreated in a previous relationship. It is a fine line between holding up standards in what I expect in a girlfriend and how much I hold myself back. This past abuse has turned me a bit jaded. I want to trust. I want to be trusted. I am not sure if I know how to do that.

I am also a hacker, which means I am distrustful by nature. I question everything. So when someone says something to me, I always take it with a grain of salt. That makes it difficult to trust it when someone pays me a compliment, or does extend themself to me. Everyone that I have ever trusted has eventually let me down (except for my mother who is the only person in all of existence that I trust explicitly).

Luckily, one thing that I do have that helps is a Southern upbringing. I grew up in a world where people trust each other in general. It is very easy for me to trust people for small things. I loan friends money all the time. I take risks to help people…even strangers. I give my time, my knowledge, my advice, and anything that I can. These are easy for me because I want to help people an I like helping people and I like it when people trust me because it means that I can probably trust them. Because of that belief system and way of life, I always give everyone a chance when I first meet them. That comes very easy to me. But that is not the trust that I am talking about here. That is a different type of trust. I always give people people a chance to earn my trust at those types of things. When it comes to my heart and my soul…that is a lot harder and that is the root of this whole conundrum.

I still believe that you have to be willing to trust and you have to have someone who is willing to trust you as well. This is very difficult for me these days and I have to keep reminding myself to trust people. If you don’t give people a chance to come into your life…they never will. This puts me in a delicate balancing act…

I have to somehow try to balance these two seemingly incompatible worlds: The world of hurt…and the world of hope.

I have been talking to a very nice young lady recently and she has actually been pretty awesome. Most that I have talked to have been mental, boring, or disinterested in me. Even though we have only gone out a couple of times, I think this one is different. We laugh and cuss and make the same silly jokes. We like to torture each other with mixed messages. We both have similar pasts. Last night, I spent the entire night until 5 AM texting and talking with her on the phone. I haven’t actually gotten along with anyone like this in a while and it is a scary thing to me. Especially since this is exactly how that last abusive relationship started. I don’t want to trust too much and potentially be hurt again but I also don’t want to miss out on a great woman because I was unable to open myself up and trust again. I am putting my heart on the line again and hoping that it is the right thing to do. I hope I am doing the right thing.

This shit is HARD!!!! I FAIL at dating.

There has to be one other person out there who I can trust isn’t there?

11/22/2015 – UPDATE: This woman eventually went on to become MrsDawg. šŸ˜‰

Haters…Why do they hate?

I awoke one morning to find this message in IRC at around 5 AM.

–> Peroxyde (Dylan@omghax-4CF3650B.home.cgocable.net) has joined #binrev
<Peroxyde> Huh, just as pathetic as I expected.
<Peroxyde> Kudos on ruining the community, StankDawg.
<– Peroxyde has quit (Quit: SHAZAM)

This is the shit that I have to put up with… Is there no wonder why I want to quit?

I am not a bad person

I will warn you up front that this is a very personal post and I am using this blog and will continue to do so for some sort of therapy of my own. I have found that typing things up helps get them off of my chest and helps me come to terms with things. I know, I know…take it to livejournal…but fuck that. This is my life and my blog. Yes, I am a hacker and all that, but I keep reminding everyone that I am also a human being. this is the blog of a hacker and a human being at the same time. If that makes it less interesting, so be it.

***

So I just got back from vacation a few days ago. The first good one that I have had since the breakup and actually the first good one since we first started going out. This time I took a trip with my mother whom I have only seen once all year (she lives several hours away).

Ever since “it” happened, my house and life was left in shambles. That is what abandonment does to people. My house was a wreck. It was dirty, furniture was all in places where I didn’t like it because I let her do what she wanted. My mom came up a few days before our trip and helped me clean and we rearranged my whole house. It feels like mine again now.

While on vacation, it was the first time that I had time to tell my own mother the whole story of what happened. I cannot…scratch that… will not tell that story here because no matter how cold and callous she treated me and what horrible things she said about me, I will not drop docs and will still respect her privacy. I am not going to change who I am just because someone else fell from grace. I am better than that. But I will bring one thing up publicly that I have been stressing about and talking to friends about for the past few months. I was called some bad things and felt like I was being turned into a bad person and I think that it is fair that I talk about that because this is my personal blog and I find it therapeutic to get it off of my chest.

I had already heard from friends on the subject of what/how it happened and they tell me that I did not do anything wrong, but friends sometimes tell you what they think you want to hear and while my friends are usually pretty honest, I still had questions about myself. I was explaining to mom the details that she hadn’t heard before and my Mom will tell me the truth no matter what, including telling me if it was my fault. Mothers are great that way.

After I got dumped, I was called a liar, a thief, “uncompassionate” and the worst word of all for me…”evil”. Now here is the thing. I didn’t understand why these words were coming out. I didn’t do anything. I was the one who was just left behind with nothing but a phone call (and a 400 hundred dollar international roaming bill..thats right, it cost me 400 bucks to get dumped) so how did that make me “evil”? I try to grow as a person. If someone says something to me, I listen to it. I take it to heart and I have always believed that anything that someone says to you has some bit of truth to it or they wouldn’t have said it. When someone says such hurtful things like that to you, especially someone that you love, it really really really hurts and makes you question yourself. Maybe I am a bad person? Maybe I am evil? Maybe I am uncompassionate? Then I realized that I am not the one who abandoned someone without even an excuse and then stopped communicating with them completely other than to call them a thief.

My mother made me realize that it was not anything that I did wrong. I am not a bad person. I am not a thief. I am not uncompassionate and I am certainly not evil. It made me see that there was no validity to these attacks. All I did was love someone and give them everything that I had. If that wasn’t enough (I knew early on in the relationship that I was not good enough for her) then so be it, but the petty name calling and childish accusations are beneath me. She also made me realize that I am not usually even friends with people who are like that. I would not even treat a dog the way that she treated me (no “StankDawg” pun intended). I was in love with someone who is capable of being so cold-hearted and suddenly I realize what a mistake I made. My friends told me not to even pursue this relationship due to the weird way that it began (I should have listened to you droops and Enigma, you were right) but I am actually a compassionate guy and thought that people deserve chances. I realize now that it was a mistake. I fell in love with someone that was great, but ended up getting dumped by someone that I don’t even respect as a person. When you wait your whole life for that “good person” that you think is different and better than the rest, you realize that they are just as bad as the girls in the clubs. They all treat me like shit. I think the “good girl” is as big of a myth as unicorns. They just don’t exist. women are cold-hearted and I fell for the good girl routine thinking she was different and wouldn’t treat me poorly. I thought she was better than that. I was wrong.

So don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I am without fault. I make mistakes..lots of them. But in this case, I did not deserve to be treated the way that I was treated. I thank my friends and ultimately my mother for helping me to see that. My mother is a pretty strong, independent, wise woman even though she was also degraded as “just a housewife” as though that were all there was to her (and assuming that is what she has done her entire life which is not true)as though that were something to be ashamed of. Being a good mother is the greatest job that any woman could have and my mother has reason to be proud because she did a great job. Insulting me is one thing, but insulting my mother is unacceptable and something that only a certain caliber of person could do and I see that now. At least my mother is strong enough to take care of herself and raise 3 kids and not be a burden on society by being a leech on the system like many people that I know. I love my mother.

So what it comes down to is that I am happy with who I am. If she wasn’t happy with me, then God bless her, but I think the truth is that she is not happy with herself. Let her find that Superman that she needs. But I am not any of the terrible things that she called me. I am happy with who I am, even with my faults. I am the guy who loaned his friends money to buy their first house. I am the guy who co-signed for his friends to adopt their first child. I am the guy who spends his own time and money to run this site for the past 10+ years. I am the guy who mentors young people. I am the guy who is willing to raise money for charity by shaving his head. I the guy who occasionally makes mistake and cusses far too much but all-in-all tries to make the world a better place.

I am StankDawg.

I am David Blake.

I am a good person.

I am happy with who I am.

Mental Illness is a sad thing to witness

I will warn you up front that this is a very personal post and I am using this blog and will continue to do so for some sort of therapy of my own. I have found that typing things up helps get them off of my chest and helps me come to terms with things. I know, I know…take it to livejournal…but fuck that. This is my life and my blog. Yes, I am a hacker and all that, but I keep reminding everyone that I am also a human being. this is the blog of a hacker and a human being at the same time. If that makes it less interesting, so be it.

***
I have been dealing with some personal issues with people very close to me (friends and family) that have really opened my eyes to the reality that is mental illness. I always thought that most mental illness was misdiagnoses of common things that people go through. I still believe this to be true in cases of ADD/ADHD, Depression and many others. Look, we all have bad days, but that doesn’t mean you are clinically depressed and have a mental problem. A lot of kids are hyper, this doesn’t mean that they need to be medicated. These are temporary conditions and I think they are far too often used as excuses to cover up problem behavior. At the same time, I also realize that when the mental illness is real, it is very much as devastating as any physical illness can be.

It is also especially scary depending on the type of mental illness. Some are “functional” where the person can still function in society. This may require drugs or regular therapy or other way of coping with the illness. It may also simply mean that the case is so mild or harmless in nature that the person may simply be viewed as “quirky” or “weird” to others. Hell, I fall into that category. But sometimes they are much more serious and it is a very sad thing to see up close.

A very close friend of mind…or former friend, as it were…had a problem that I have never really seen up close before. It is called Paranoia and you might think that you know what that is. Calling someone Paranoid is very common, especially to us conspiracy theorists. We hear that a lot. A lot of my co-workers think that I am overly paranoid. This is just using the an word when what they really should be saying is “cautious” or “concerned”. True Paranoia is a recognized mental illness. It is also commonly associated with other things, specifically schizophrenia. Both basically describe a person who thinks that everyone is out to get them, but in a very sincere way. In some very extreme cases, the person will hear voices and believe that they are on a mission from a higher power telling them what to do and who not to trust. These extreme cases mean that the person is not in control of their own mind. What I witnessed was not this bad, but it did involve someone who thought that no one was on their side. They feel alone in the world and think that the system is against them. This could be from their family (parents), the government, their friends, their employer, or all of the above. It is very sad because although I can see it very well, they cannot. This is the cruel juxtaposition of the disorder. You want to reach out and hold them and tell them that it is OK and that you are there to help them and you are on their side, but you cannot force them to believe you. If they think that you are out to get them, how do you help them? I offered to go to therapy with this person and they immediately lashed out and said that *I* was the one who needed therapy and we were never able to approach the topic again without me being accused of being out to get them and make them into a bad person. The truth is that I want to help, but I learned that you cannot help some who doesn’t want, or think that they need, help. It is a sad situation and it causes families, friendships, and relationships to fall apart and there is nothing that you can do about it except hope that the person come to the realization on their own that they have a problem. It also hurts the ones that care about them more than they probably realize.

My grandmother has Alzheimer’s. Now this is a physical disease but it has a mental manifestation in the form of lost memory and communication skills. I have had to watch my grandmother deteriorate slowly over the course of the past 5 years to the point where she cannot even say my name anymore. She recognizes me…sometimes…actually, very rarely. Usually, she is oblivious to everything including the passing days. She has some “good days” which you may hear mentioned when speaking of Alzheimer’s patients. Most of the time, however, are bad days (or normal days for her) where she doesn’t acknowledge the passing of time, she doesn’t know how old she is, or where she is. Sometimes I think that the bad days, ironically, are the good days in her life anyway because she doesn’t really comprehend what is going on around her. On her “good” days I visit her and she has some long term memory, but very broken short term memory. On one good day, she understood that she was in the hospital and knew that she was sick, but not what she was sick with. She had fallen and hurt her arm when she first went in the hospital and she thinks that she is still in the hospital for that. She doesn’t realize that it happened 5 years ago. One of the hardest things in the world that I have ever had to do was to look into my Grandmother’s face and lie to her when she looked at me and asked me when she would be going home. I lied and told her through my tears “soon Nannie…soon”. It makes me cry right now as I write this, but hey…I can handle it. I am “strong like Bull”.

And don’t even get me started on my own Mental issues…I have plenty. I think that I am pretty functional though. I am usually just “weird” to most people because I think and act differently than everyone else. I chalk a lot of that up to being a hacker, but some of it is probably deeper than that. I know this though, and I do a lot of self-analysis to try and recognize it so that I can overcome it. I think that this is true for most people. What is “normal” anyway? I may have my moments, but all-in-all, I am pretty normal to most people. It just takes a special kind of person to “get me” completely. I thought I had actually found one person who was special enough to “get me” but that didn’t work out and that is a whole other story for another post. I think this was more than enough corniness for one post.

FUCK YOU I’M AN ALLIGATOR!

OK, so I am stepping away from the day-to-day operation of binrev and all of the associated sites. BAwwww…. whatever. Anyway, I am going into the semi-retirement life that is blogging and producing content again. You will see me less involved in forum maintenance and content and becoming more of a standard user here. I will be moving the content from my old site over to this one and try to blog regularly. Why? Because FUCK YOU I’M AN ALLIGATOR!
Attached Image

That is my new attitude. You guys all hate me, and hate how I run things, so fine…fuck you, I’m the dawg. I don’t need your shit. I am living my life no and doing what I want. Right now, I have more important personal drama and bullshit in my head to deal with skiddies and asshats. I am going to focus more on my friends and family and get all of the recent negativity out of my life. That shit brings you down. I will use this blog to post shit that I find kool and probably to whine and bitch about my life. I don’t do livejournal and myspace and shit like that, so you fuckers will have to put up with it or don’t read it. This is my personal place to vent and get shit off of my chest. I have been going through a lot of personal issues lately and I am finding it therapeutic to talk and write about it. It helps to get it off of my chest.

If you don’t like it…

Attached Image

I will explain more about your new team and structure soon.

The forum crackdown begins!

Well, with so many people all getting butthurt over stupid (and irrelevant) IRC activity, combined with the comments of how the forums have “gone downhill” we have taken some steps to improve the situation.

I still firmly believe that it is YOU, the binrev community, who need to police yourselves better and stand up when people are bringing down YOUR forums. However, since no one seems to want to do that, you have left it to me to fix…again. So I am going to fix it the only way that I know how. I am about to implement MARTIAL LAW! Many of you will not like it. That is too bad since you had the opportunity to fix the problems yourselves before it got to this point, so now you must deal with my way of handling things.

The first step was actually done last weekend. We added 3 new moderators to our moderating team. I would like to publicly announce and welcome mirrorshades, Alk3, and deepgeek to the moderating team. They have all been trained on the forum rules and our policies and will all make excellent additions to our existing moderating team. This is only the beginning as we are considering a few more people who may also be joining as well. This is not something that we take lightly. This is a serious job and it takes a lot to earn your spot on this team. I have nothing but the utmost respect for all of them and I appreciate the drama that they have to put up with on a daily basis even if many of our member do not. If you earn your way onto this team, then you are head and shoulders worthy of my respect.

With a strong moderating team in place, we will now begin to clean up the forums. There will be NO MORE slaps on the wrist for offenses. We are now under a no-tolerance policy. This includes not only the letter of the laws, but also the general civility level of the forums. There will be NO MORE FLAMING ANYWHERE IN THE FORUMS! Let me say it again to make it crystal clear. THERE WILL BE NO MORE FLAMING IN THE FORUMS! and there are NO EXCEPTIONS to this rule. You will get warned or banned for violating this mandate.

This MARTIAL LAW status will endure until the forums are cleaned up. It may take a month, it may take longer,. If you want it to go back to normal, I suggest that you PARTICIPATE by policing each other. How? Send PM to people who post something that is bad, illegible, off-topic, or just plain wrong. REPORT posts to the moderating team so that we can address them faster. Defend people who get flamed instead of letting bystander apathy take over your life and this community. Do not stand by and watch people ruin the forums. CALL THEM OUT!

Please everyone: Help us make these forums a better place by participating. If you stop trying, then we will stop trying and we will shut the whole thing down. I really do not need this headache, stress, and aggravation. It is your site, not mine. If it has to go down, then it is on you, not me. Please do not let that happen.

“So Long and thanks for all the fish!”

First of all, I don’t owe anyone an explanation individually. But since there are a few people out there who wonder why I am pulling out of the public scene, I thought I would try to explain my reasons in the hopes that maybe a few people would understand. I do not have a problem sharing these reasons, but if you intend to attack me for them, you should stop reading now. I don’t want to hear it.

Basically, I unplugged for 2 general reasons. Firstly, I pulled out for personal reasons. Secondly, I pulled out because hacking wasn’t fun anymore. For those of you who are genuinely interested, I will gladly explain.

As far as personal things go, you have to understand that the word personal infers that I am, in fact, a “person”. Somehow people think that hackers are all a bunch of punk kids who have no real life problems and run around without a care in the world. Hackers are people. I am a hacker, but I still love my country. I still love my family. I believe in God. I am not ashamed to admit any of these things, but somehow people lose sight of the fact that we are all real people with real lives. We have real hopes and real dreams. We face real triumphs and real tragedies. We find real love and face real heartbreak. Life changing events happen and hacking takes a backseat to real life. If you have ever heard my radio show, you would know that I have said this many times. I guess now you all know that I meant it. Never let the important things in your life take a backseat to anything.

In my real life, I have had some pretty big events happen lately. I have kept them private while continuing to work on numerous projects to help keep my mind off of things. My 82 year old grandmother recently moved down here to South Florida. She is the only grandparent that I have left and I love her dearly. I have been spending as much time as I could with her lately. For the most part, she is healthy for an 82 year old woman, and she is blessed to be well enough to enjoy life and live independently. Spending quality time with her is my number one priority above all else on this planet. I have been able to balance my time with her and all of the other things in my life fairly well until last month. I had another life changing event that altered my path. I was offered a job that requires me to move out of South Florida and I accepted it. It is a great opportunity for me doing something I love (programming) and using my education and my 15+ years of experience in the computer industry. It was an offer that I could not refuse. This is a very good thing and I am very happy with these changes in my life and my grandmother is happy for me as well.

The reality that I am left with, however, is that I will be physically packing my entire life and moving within a month or so. In that time period, I must sell my house and buy a new house. This means packing up everything I own and repairing my old house to sell it, which is what I have been doing since the beginning of July. As if that weren’t enough, I am determined to start this new job on the right foot and really attack it with every fiber of my being. Some of you out there know how hard I work and how I give 337% on everything I do, whether it is writing “show novels” for BRR, researching material for an article, or editing HackTV. I take pride in everything I do. I was always taught that anything worth doing, is worth doing right. I want to do my very best at this new job and after my grandmother, I intend to focus the rest of my concentration on this new job.

All of these events just made me step back and realize that the balance had shifted temporarily. I could no longer juggle hacking and life. I needed to borrow from my “hacking time” to pay my “real life time” to help counter-balance the needs that I now faced. I started making plans to slowly pull out a few months ago as these changes became imminent. I made sure that the radio show would be taken care of months ago (around episode 80 to put it in perspective) and I started asking the guys in DDP to pick up some of the slack for me and carry me for a while. These guys are all so great, that not one…not a single one of them…hesitated to rescue me. I probably don’t tell them enough how much I appreciate them. They are not only friends, but they are like brothers to me. I was willing to completely leave the hacking scene to concentrate on real life, but they made it possible for me to stick around…and want to stick around. This leads me to the other reason I unplugged…

The other reason is that no matter how hard I tried to keep it fun, hacking ceased being fun to me. Certainly, the real life things probably weighed into that, but it was more than that. Hacking was slowly losing its fun day by day over the past year or so anyway. There are a lot of great people in this community. There is no doubt of that. I have met several of them at different conferences. I have gotten heartwarming email from them that helped my regain some of my love of hacking. I have seen and heard a lot of great comments from people and I appreciate them all. I sincerely do. But I also got a lot of negative mail and read lots of negative comments from people as well. And they seemed to far outway the positive comments. I see the blog posts of people attacking me and insulting me. I hear the comments people make on conferences. I see the insulting messages people post in forums ( even in my *OWN DAMN FORUMS*) or put in their videos. What did I do to deserve this? I thought we were all on the same team?

Now it is easy for people to say “just ignore people like that”. And actually, I am very, VERY good at ignoring people like that. I simply do not have time in my life for negative people in general. I do my very best to help out anyone who asks. But slowly, over time, they start to weigh on you. There are people out there who need help. They don’t understand what hacking is. They just don’t get it. But that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be helped. They may just need guidance. I have met people who were complete jerks when I first met them. They didn’t know that they were being jerks because no one ever told them that they were doing the wrong things. I like to teach people the right things. But sometimes, you can’t help those who don’t want to be helped. Maybe I come across too strong. I guess that is my weakness, that I speak my mind. May that makes me arrogant, I don’t know. Anyone who really knows me, knows that they can ask me for anything and they know I will do as much as humanly possibly to help them out. All I can do is the best that I can. Some days, that just isn’t enough for some people.

Then there are other little things that make me feel bad. I get messages from people who are angry with me that I didn’t answer their email. They don’t understand that I get literally dozens of emails every day and I simply cannot answer them all. I wish I could, but I simply can’t. Logistically, I started to feel that I was stretching myself to thin. When you are the type of person who wants to help EVERYBODY and you don’t have time to GET TO everybody, it gets frustrating. And I do not have any “real life time” to borrow from anymore to do that. This is slightly frustrating, but since there is simply nothing that I can do about it (I can’t alter the flow of time…yet), I have to suck it up and move on with life the best that I can.

The proverbial straw that broke the camels back, was really nothing big or overly frustrating so much as simply bad timing. I was trying my very best to do everything that I could to keep contributing to this community to the best of my ability and to keep putting out content and balance all of the things that I have been talking about and suddenly, I hit the wall. I had enough. Had I seen another random person making a bad comment, I probably could have ignored it. Had I seen yet another blog of someone talking about how much one of my projects or articles sucked, I would have brushed it off. If I had seen another ignorant “journalist” using me to sell his fear-laden articles, I would have laughed it off. Instead, what I saw was someone who I thought was a friend publicly humiliate me at the precise moment when I needed support. When I was at the end of my rope, no one was there to give me a boost. Instead, they kicked me right off.

Now, it is irrelevant to single anyone out, particularly because they probably didn’t mean it to come across the way that it did. I understand that, and I don’t blame them. But what it did was open my eyes. I realized the hard truth that while there are some great people out there, there are others that simply don’t care about you one way or the other. It does not matter how much you give to them, they are never satisfied. They cannot enjoy anything without criticizing it. I don’t know what personality trait this is, or if it is more or less prevalent in the hacker community, but I don’t like it. I suddenly opened my eyes to the fact that every single thing I do is scrutinized. Here I thought that I was educating people with a radio show and having fun. I was being made fun of. I thought that I was entertaining people with a hacking television show. I was being insulted. I thought that I was providing useful services and projects that people inside (and outside) of the community could enjoy. They were simply being attacked. The thing that I didn’t understand, and the thing that bothered me most, was that while all of these people were bitching and complaining about me, not a single person stood up and defended me. Not a SINGLE ONE. No posts of support. No posts defending false allegations. Nothing but silent acceptance.

This is not what the hacking spirit is all about and I don’t want to be a part of it right now. It is a terrible feeling to suddenly realize that nobody cares enough to have your back.

I will never understand why some people seem to think that constantly complaining and being negative about everything can ever generate anything positive. All that you do is chase people away. New people need advice and information. Don’t insult them, help them! Returning people are looking for another chance. Reach out to them, do not reinforce the negative image that caused them to leave in the first place. And the people that have managed to stay around for any length of time…just support them. You don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have to like them. But you will respect them. I do not need my ego stroked, nor do I need to hear a “thank you”. I just don’t think that I deserve the personal attacks, scrutiny and lack of common courtesy that I have been given.

So I do thank the people who have emailed me in recent weeks. I do appreciate that some people cared enough about my well being to email me and say a simple “thanks” or to offer their help and sympathy for my well being. I am honestly touched. You leave me with a great joy to know that there are some people in this community who are genuine and good-hearted people. My fellow hackers…my fellow human beings. If I do come back, after some hiatus, it is because of people like you. I cannot list everyone, but you know who you are. I do have to single out my fellow DDP members (past, present, and future) for all of their support. I am proud of what they have accomplished..what we have accomplished. Thanks for keeping hacking fun. Thanks to Acidus, Decius, Elonka, rockit, droops, GIJoe, Dr^Zigman, LogosX, PixelFiend, xlogicx, austin, and Zearle. All of whom were always positive and supportive people to whom I give much deserved respect. And even with all of this, I still have not forgotten about decoder who is going through some pretty rough real life stuff as well. I am still thinking of you my friend. Trust me when I say that *I* have got *your* back.

I am still around, just no longer in the public eye. I have to stick with those people who I trust to be good people and stay away from the critics and the community that simply doesn’t want me. I don’t have time to be hated. I will continue to write. I will continue to keep making sites and starting projects and programming. The sites/forum/shows/projects/etc… will stick around as long as I can afford them. The DDP will still exist and grow. I will never stop hacking because I love it. If anything, I am able to dedicate more time to it because of this. I have a lot of great friends in this community. They are friends that hopefully will last my entire lifetime. I will never stop hacking. It is a part of me. It is what makes up who I am.

I am StankDawg.

I am a hacker.