I am not a bad person

I will warn you up front that this is a very personal post and I am using this blog and will continue to do so for some sort of therapy of my own. I have found that typing things up helps get them off of my chest and helps me come to terms with things. I know, I know…take it to livejournal…but fuck that. This is my life and my blog. Yes, I am a hacker and all that, but I keep reminding everyone that I am also a human being. this is the blog of a hacker and a human being at the same time. If that makes it less interesting, so be it.

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So I just got back from vacation a few days ago. The first good one that I have had since the breakup and actually the first good one since we first started going out. This time I took a trip with my mother whom I have only seen once all year (she lives several hours away).

Ever since “it” happened, my house and life was left in shambles. That is what abandonment does to people. My house was a wreck. It was dirty, furniture was all in places where I didn’t like it because I let her do what she wanted. My mom came up a few days before our trip and helped me clean and we rearranged my whole house. It feels like mine again now.

While on vacation, it was the first time that I had time to tell my own mother the whole story of what happened. I cannot…scratch that… will not tell that story here because no matter how cold and callous she treated me and what horrible things she said about me, I will not drop docs and will still respect her privacy. I am not going to change who I am just because someone else fell from grace. I am better than that. But I will bring one thing up publicly that I have been stressing about and talking to friends about for the past few months. I was called some bad things and felt like I was being turned into a bad person and I think that it is fair that I talk about that because this is my personal blog and I find it therapeutic to get it off of my chest.

I had already heard from friends on the subject of what/how it happened and they tell me that I did not do anything wrong, but friends sometimes tell you what they think you want to hear and while my friends are usually pretty honest, I still had questions about myself. I was explaining to mom the details that she hadn’t heard before and my Mom will tell me the truth no matter what, including telling me if it was my fault. Mothers are great that way.

After I got dumped, I was called a liar, a thief, “uncompassionate” and the worst word of all for me…”evil”. Now here is the thing. I didn’t understand why these words were coming out. I didn’t do anything. I was the one who was just left behind with nothing but a phone call (and a 400 hundred dollar international roaming bill..thats right, it cost me 400 bucks to get dumped) so how did that make me “evil”? I try to grow as a person. If someone says something to me, I listen to it. I take it to heart and I have always believed that anything that someone says to you has some bit of truth to it or they wouldn’t have said it. When someone says such hurtful things like that to you, especially someone that you love, it really really really hurts and makes you question yourself. Maybe I am a bad person? Maybe I am evil? Maybe I am uncompassionate? Then I realized that I am not the one who abandoned someone without even an excuse and then stopped communicating with them completely other than to call them a thief.

My mother made me realize that it was not anything that I did wrong. I am not a bad person. I am not a thief. I am not uncompassionate and I am certainly not evil. It made me see that there was no validity to these attacks. All I did was love someone and give them everything that I had. If that wasn’t enough (I knew early on in the relationship that I was not good enough for her) then so be it, but the petty name calling and childish accusations are beneath me. She also made me realize that I am not usually even friends with people who are like that. I would not even treat a dog the way that she treated me (no “StankDawg” pun intended). I was in love with someone who is capable of being so cold-hearted and suddenly I realize what a mistake I made. My friends told me not to even pursue this relationship due to the weird way that it began (I should have listened to you droops and Enigma, you were right) but I am actually a compassionate guy and thought that people deserve chances. I realize now that it was a mistake. I fell in love with someone that was great, but ended up getting dumped by someone that I don’t even respect as a person. When you wait your whole life for that “good person” that you think is different and better than the rest, you realize that they are just as bad as the girls in the clubs. They all treat me like shit. I think the “good girl” is as big of a myth as unicorns. They just don’t exist. women are cold-hearted and I fell for the good girl routine thinking she was different and wouldn’t treat me poorly. I thought she was better than that. I was wrong.

So don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I am without fault. I make mistakes..lots of them. But in this case, I did not deserve to be treated the way that I was treated. I thank my friends and ultimately my mother for helping me to see that. My mother is a pretty strong, independent, wise woman even though she was also degraded as “just a housewife” as though that were all there was to her (and assuming that is what she has done her entire life which is not true)as though that were something to be ashamed of. Being a good mother is the greatest job that any woman could have and my mother has reason to be proud because she did a great job. Insulting me is one thing, but insulting my mother is unacceptable and something that only a certain caliber of person could do and I see that now. At least my mother is strong enough to take care of herself and raise 3 kids and not be a burden on society by being a leech on the system like many people that I know. I love my mother.

So what it comes down to is that I am happy with who I am. If she wasn’t happy with me, then God bless her, but I think the truth is that she is not happy with herself. Let her find that Superman that she needs. But I am not any of the terrible things that she called me. I am happy with who I am, even with my faults. I am the guy who loaned his friends money to buy their first house. I am the guy who co-signed for his friends to adopt their first child. I am the guy who spends his own time and money to run this site for the past 10+ years. I am the guy who mentors young people. I am the guy who is willing to raise money for charity by shaving his head. I the guy who occasionally makes mistake and cusses far too much but all-in-all tries to make the world a better place.

I am StankDawg.

I am David Blake.

I am a good person.

I am happy with who I am.

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