Im boycotting Christmas this year

Ok, so I am not exactly boycotting it, but I am not getting all heavy into it this year. I am not falling into the commercialization anymore. I never really thought of Christmas as a commercial holiday, but somehow it became one out of entitlement. Someone buys you a gift and you are obligated to buy one back for them and it grows and grows. I don’t think this is at all what this holiday is supposed to be about.

Without going into a religious topic here, since I tend to keep my personal beliefs to myself, but this holiday is to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Now, believe that or not, thats fine. Personal decisions and all of that…but I do believe that and I do not understand how that became “buy everyone you know lots of gifts”. The tradition comes from the wise men who brought gifts to the baby Jesus and we keep that tradition up this very day. That is all well and good, but the obligation needs to stop.

I do not see the point in buying my sister a gift card only to have her buy me a gift card of the same value for another store. why bother? The stores are the ones who really benefit from this token gesture in the form of a guaranteed sale. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a Grinch. I love Christmas and what it truly stands for. But let’s be honest, Christmas is a childrens holiday. I have no problem buying gifts for kids and keeping the holidays magical and fun. But for those of us who grew up, it is just all false idolatry to the almighty dollar. Not “idol” in a Godlike way, but in a shift of priorities. I am not doing it anymore.

Similar to the way that I don’t want gifts to celebrate my birthday (and arbitrary day if there ever was one) I don’t want gifts out of obligation. If you want to buy me a gift, do it because you think of me or care about me and thought it would be a nice thing that has no relevance to a date. I buy gifts for people all the time. Why should I wait to give them at Christmas or some particular day? I will give them when I think of that person and buy the gift for them. Personally, if someone gave me a small gift or a card on some strange Wednesday for no reason at all other than that they simply cared about me, that would mean far more to me than if someone bought me a brand new car on Christmas. I can buy a new car myself. You cannot buy caring and love.

So that being said, I only bought a few small practical gifts for my new baby niece. I made arrangements with my family to not do the gift exchange mockery this this. I do have a few small things for people, but not out of obligation, but because I care. They are small, cheap things that I picked up on my travels and I don’t count that is going out of my way to get gifts.

No matter what your feeling are on gift-giving, please let me wish you all a happy holiday. I still love the holiday and the intent behind it, so don’t misinterpret that. I will be out of town for the rest of the year visiting my family. Hopefully, I make it back alive. I am going to start 2010 strong and refocused and hopefully it treats me a whole lot better than 2009 did.

I witnessed a real life youtube moment today

So I was driving to meet some co-workers for lunch today and they are doing some roadwork near my house. There was this dude who was about a 30-35 years old fairly built black guy riding a bike along the side of the road. He was maybe 8 or 9 car lengths in front of me so I saw everything clearly. He veered off of the road (on his own, no traffic near him) and I am not sure if was trying to show off on purpose or not but what happened was pretty awesome.

There was a pile of dirt (in Florida, that means mostly sand) about 2 feet high right in front of him where he was turning off of the road. Now he might have been trying to show off or just have fun or he might not have seen it at all. He might have been trying to jump it or something because he was pedaling really fast. I don’t know what was in his head. All I know is that he went straight into that pile of dirt and I watched his back tire come flying over his head and his face hit the dirt with such impact that his back legs flipped over his head. For a second I really thought that he could have seriously hurt himself. His back flew over the bike and for all I know he could have broken his spine. It was that fast and violent. I think it was lucky that the dirt here was so soft that saved him. If he had hit concrete or something hard, he might have really injured himself. The first 10 second of this was the closest youtube video that I could find except the dirt mound was tiny and there was no cushion of dirt to land on. Also instead of a kid, imagine it was Mike Tyson riding the bike. I was amazed that I witnessed this in real life. IT WAS AWESOME! It is the kind of shit that you see one youtube when some idiot tries to do this intentionally and someone films it. Obviously he wasn’t expecting this and neither was I so I didn’t have any chance of recording it. I was so surprised that I actually witnessed something this freaking awesome that I didn’t even really laugh…i just looked in my rear view mirror as I passed with my mouth hanging open.

Now here is where I am big stinky pussy.

I turn in at the next street which gave me a view directly back down the sidewalk/dirt path to where he was. I was too far to get out and help and I tried to yell and ask if he was alright but it was too far. He was getting up and seemed to be dusting the dirt off of his face and chest, but he was going pretty slow. So being the pussy that I am I turned my car around and drove back to make sure that he was ok and offer to help him. By the time I got back there, he was just climbing onto his bike and riding again. I just yelled out the window “are you ok?” and he nodded and just kept right on riding. And he was riding at full speed again I might add.

When I turned back around to continue on to lunch (at the Cracker Barrel, natch) he had turned down a side street and was clearly alright so after a few more seconds it hit me that he was alright and it was OK to laugh. My guess is that he though he was going to jump this little pile of dirt or something but he didn’t think about the fact that it wasn’t dirt hardened into a ramp. It was a clump of sand! Riding full speed into a soft pile of sand is not a good idea! The sand is not going to support you and launch you into the air…it is going to move away from you and force you to come to a quick stop! It’s called fundamentals of physics and IT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! I wish I had someone been able to film it.

Yeah yeah, i know it was one of those “you had to be there” stories…but it was funny dammit. I was lolling.

I am not a bad person

I will warn you up front that this is a very personal post and I am using this blog and will continue to do so for some sort of therapy of my own. I have found that typing things up helps get them off of my chest and helps me come to terms with things. I know, I know…take it to livejournal…but fuck that. This is my life and my blog. Yes, I am a hacker and all that, but I keep reminding everyone that I am also a human being. this is the blog of a hacker and a human being at the same time. If that makes it less interesting, so be it.

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So I just got back from vacation a few days ago. The first good one that I have had since the breakup and actually the first good one since we first started going out. This time I took a trip with my mother whom I have only seen once all year (she lives several hours away).

Ever since “it” happened, my house and life was left in shambles. That is what abandonment does to people. My house was a wreck. It was dirty, furniture was all in places where I didn’t like it because I let her do what she wanted. My mom came up a few days before our trip and helped me clean and we rearranged my whole house. It feels like mine again now.

While on vacation, it was the first time that I had time to tell my own mother the whole story of what happened. I cannot…scratch that… will not tell that story here because no matter how cold and callous she treated me and what horrible things she said about me, I will not drop docs and will still respect her privacy. I am not going to change who I am just because someone else fell from grace. I am better than that. But I will bring one thing up publicly that I have been stressing about and talking to friends about for the past few months. I was called some bad things and felt like I was being turned into a bad person and I think that it is fair that I talk about that because this is my personal blog and I find it therapeutic to get it off of my chest.

I had already heard from friends on the subject of what/how it happened and they tell me that I did not do anything wrong, but friends sometimes tell you what they think you want to hear and while my friends are usually pretty honest, I still had questions about myself. I was explaining to mom the details that she hadn’t heard before and my Mom will tell me the truth no matter what, including telling me if it was my fault. Mothers are great that way.

After I got dumped, I was called a liar, a thief, “uncompassionate” and the worst word of all for me…”evil”. Now here is the thing. I didn’t understand why these words were coming out. I didn’t do anything. I was the one who was just left behind with nothing but a phone call (and a 400 hundred dollar international roaming bill..thats right, it cost me 400 bucks to get dumped) so how did that make me “evil”? I try to grow as a person. If someone says something to me, I listen to it. I take it to heart and I have always believed that anything that someone says to you has some bit of truth to it or they wouldn’t have said it. When someone says such hurtful things like that to you, especially someone that you love, it really really really hurts and makes you question yourself. Maybe I am a bad person? Maybe I am evil? Maybe I am uncompassionate? Then I realized that I am not the one who abandoned someone without even an excuse and then stopped communicating with them completely other than to call them a thief.

My mother made me realize that it was not anything that I did wrong. I am not a bad person. I am not a thief. I am not uncompassionate and I am certainly not evil. It made me see that there was no validity to these attacks. All I did was love someone and give them everything that I had. If that wasn’t enough (I knew early on in the relationship that I was not good enough for her) then so be it, but the petty name calling and childish accusations are beneath me. She also made me realize that I am not usually even friends with people who are like that. I would not even treat a dog the way that she treated me (no “StankDawg” pun intended). I was in love with someone who is capable of being so cold-hearted and suddenly I realize what a mistake I made. My friends told me not to even pursue this relationship due to the weird way that it began (I should have listened to you droops and Enigma, you were right) but I am actually a compassionate guy and thought that people deserve chances. I realize now that it was a mistake. I fell in love with someone that was great, but ended up getting dumped by someone that I don’t even respect as a person. When you wait your whole life for that “good person” that you think is different and better than the rest, you realize that they are just as bad as the girls in the clubs. They all treat me like shit. I think the “good girl” is as big of a myth as unicorns. They just don’t exist. women are cold-hearted and I fell for the good girl routine thinking she was different and wouldn’t treat me poorly. I thought she was better than that. I was wrong.

So don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I am without fault. I make mistakes..lots of them. But in this case, I did not deserve to be treated the way that I was treated. I thank my friends and ultimately my mother for helping me to see that. My mother is a pretty strong, independent, wise woman even though she was also degraded as “just a housewife” as though that were all there was to her (and assuming that is what she has done her entire life which is not true)as though that were something to be ashamed of. Being a good mother is the greatest job that any woman could have and my mother has reason to be proud because she did a great job. Insulting me is one thing, but insulting my mother is unacceptable and something that only a certain caliber of person could do and I see that now. At least my mother is strong enough to take care of herself and raise 3 kids and not be a burden on society by being a leech on the system like many people that I know. I love my mother.

So what it comes down to is that I am happy with who I am. If she wasn’t happy with me, then God bless her, but I think the truth is that she is not happy with herself. Let her find that Superman that she needs. But I am not any of the terrible things that she called me. I am happy with who I am, even with my faults. I am the guy who loaned his friends money to buy their first house. I am the guy who co-signed for his friends to adopt their first child. I am the guy who spends his own time and money to run this site for the past 10+ years. I am the guy who mentors young people. I am the guy who is willing to raise money for charity by shaving his head. I the guy who occasionally makes mistake and cusses far too much but all-in-all tries to make the world a better place.

I am StankDawg.

I am David Blake.

I am a good person.

I am happy with who I am.